I haven’t blogged about life or personal issues for a while, so here one is!
I’m finding it frustrating that people are avoiding me now. It’s not that I want them to avoid me, but I guess it’s kindof my fault.
If you really know me, I’ve overly judgmental and critical of myself. I dwell on my flaws and sometimes tend to over dramatize them. Which I think is okay to an extent, but I’m guessing I’ve crossed the line.
The other day, we took a test. I missed one of the “gimmie” questions (the one where the answer is so obvious a 3-yr old could do it), so I doubted my skill on the other problems. I was really down about it saying, “I probably got a low C,” all because I was dwelling on the one problem. This was last week.
This week, I had a presentation. I wasn’t really prepared for it, so I was really nervous. When people asked me if I was ready, I told them I wasn’t. So we get the test back. The teacher, the kind person that he is, only took 5 out of 6 questions for the grade. I did well on the other problems, so the one problem I butchered didn’t count on my grade. Happy about the grade, I go to the presentation with confidence, and it goes well. Everyone liked it and was interested.
I was happy, until I realized that me being happy about my success was hurting some of my friends. Math comes easy to me (that was the test). My friends have to study a lot in order to do well. Some math isn’t easy for people to grasp. My dad was a math teacher; we were expected to do well in math. My mom raised us to do the best we can in everything we do. We were expected to be able to present ourselves well. She always used to say, “If your a janitor, be the best janitor you can be. You should work as hard as you can and be proud of everything you do.” So I do my best to make myself stand out and to make my project stand out. I’m always judgmental and critical of myself until I see the final result.
I think people get upset at me because of my lack of self-confidence. I think they see it as a way of me insulting them or something. Like one of those people who are humble or modest, even though they know they are successful in a semi-snottish way. I don’t try to be like that. When people ask, “How do you think you did?” I dwell on the my flaws and let effect my judgment. Same with when people ask how do I think I’m going to do. There’s a lot of uncertainty of what’s to come, and that affects my answer as well.
I was kindof brought down the other day because of what people told me. It brought up some memories of the past that I didn’t like. I’ve just been a bit depressed lately.
People were saying: - “I was kind of happy when you said you thought you did bad, but you aced the test which upsets me” - “You don’t always have to be successful” - “Stop bragging” - I didn’t brag. The teacher and students around me made a big deal of it.
It reminded me of some of the things I was told in the past: - “I don’t think I can be your friend. I feel worthless around you” - “You set the bar too high.” - “I hate having to chase after you.” - “I hate being compared to you.” - “Why don’t you fail for once? You don’t always have to stand out.”
Other people stand out as well. I think it’s just that some people focus on certain people and they feel like it has to be a competition. I’ll admit, I was raised to believe that you are always competing with yourself, to become better at everything you do. I don’t try to compete with others. I don’t share my grades unless someone asks. I do my best not to brag. I’ve experienced failure before, but I know that I need to get back up and try harder. I never mention my failures, and people probably assume that I don’t fail.
I just find it frustrating that people are avoiding me now. I hate losing friends because of stupid things. I’m hoping that it’s just a thing of the moment and we’ll be fine soon, but yeah…
Thanks for reading. I just had to vent somewhere.